A wooden Dutchman, rather than no man at all,
Was what a sensible spinster argued when some practical jokers under took to scare her in Oakland, Cal. [more]

Probably the most pathetic incident since the war occurred in Oakland the other day, and it is still agitating the higher circles of that locality to their inner depths. It appears that on Jackson street resides an old maid—a very old maid—who puts in all the time she can spare from the supervision of other people’s affairs to searching for burglars. In fact, the latter occupation may be said to be her hobby.

For the last twenty-five years Miss Goobey has never retired without first  industriously “shooing” under each and every bed for the purpose of expelling any burglariosly inclined person who might be thus secreted.

The other day a bold, bad man, who happened to be temporarily staying at the Goobey residence, concocted a dreadful practical joke. By the assistance of some of his dissolute companions, he stole a life-sized wooden Dutchman form the front of a cigar store, and placed it under the chaste couch of the mature Diana in question.

The conspirators waited on the landing when Miss Goobey locked the door that night expecting a domestic earthquake to be started as soon as the bogus burglar was sighted.  They waited unsuccessfully for an hour. Was it possible Miss G. had neglected her invariable custom of looking under the bed? No, the idea was preposterous. They still lingered for the volcano to begin, throwing up screams, convulsions, melted lava and hair pins.

Silence.

Another hour passed by.

At last the well-known sound of Miss Goobey’s high soprano snore sounded faintly through the door, and impelled by ungovernable suspense and curiosity, the watchers climbed up and peeped though the transom.

There were two figures in the bed.The wooden man had been carefully lifted into the couch and covered up with its head on Miss G’s off pillow. While one thin arm over his manly red-wood chest, and with one saffron cheek pressed against the irresponsive shoulder, Miss Goobey slept in contented sleep of one who had reached bedrock at last.

She was making believe, poor thing!

Reprinted from National Police Gazette, December 17, 1881.

One night the whole party were assembled in the room of Mrs. H. Sparkling champagne was before them, of which they partook freely. Mrs. H. proposed to decide by lot whose bed Harry should share, while Harry insisted that Mrs. H's bed was large enough for four and promised to do equal justice to all.

The mirth grew fast and furious, and each one was trying by the liberal display of her to personal charms to win the lucky Harry for herself alone, when the door opened and the landlady entered in nightcap and gown, horrified at their untimely revelry, and aghast at the sight which met her eyes.

Harry was cheated out of his night's enjoyment, for he was compelled to leave the house instantly, and the recreant wives packed up their trunks and left the next morning, like Alexander, to seek new worlds to conquer.—Such is Boston morality and such is woman's fidelity.

New England Police Gazette, October 5, 1861.